I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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