Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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