Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
