Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You made out with two different species that night
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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