My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
