Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize