So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
