I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize