I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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