someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
soo... how was my night?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize