Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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