We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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