I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
