Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
