i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
