did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
