Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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