How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
