I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
