Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
