my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
3 2 1 whiskey
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Your penis caused this!
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