Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
