Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
