you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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