Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Mom said you looked used
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
