I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
