Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
