I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
