you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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