I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
