New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
