oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
