The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
