his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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