he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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