he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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