a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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