I met the friendliest cop last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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