My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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