I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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