im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
