We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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