I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
