Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There r osticjed everywhere
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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