if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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