i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
