Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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