so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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