I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
that may or may not have been my penis.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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