well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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