Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
