I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
