Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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