I think im going to throw up on grandma
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
