Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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