Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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