in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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