If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
