come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
