dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
